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Here we go…

December 18, 2008

So I decided to start a blog about my journey with depression. 

What I once thought was Postpartum Depression has now turned into an actual diagnosis of Bipolar.  My medical providers can’t seem to agree on if I have bipolar 1 or bipolar 2, but I suppose that doesn’t much matter.  What does matter is getting better!

I am so drained tonight.

I had an appt with a new APRN this morning.  Last night, I remember feeling excited to go to my appt today.   How nuts is that?  Being excited for a dr appt that doesn’t involve looking at a baby or anything!

The appt went well.  She prescribed Lamictal and Cymbalta, which I’ll begin tomorrow morning.  I am hopeful that I will finally get things figured out.

Meanwhile, I am worried I’ve run my marriage into a ditch.  I mean, we get along fine, but now hubby is acting depressed and says its just everything in life that we have going on, not just my depression.

Sunday was a very bad day.  I got upset with hubby and left.  Found some old pills in the car and was planning to take them.  I counted those pills so many times, always coming up with 12 total pills.  I didn’t think it would “do the job”, so I chickened out.

As I sat in the car in an abandoned parking lot, feeling totally sure that it was what I needed/wanted to do, I was texting hubby lots.  Its crazy how, when in the moment, you feel as though you’re being rational, yet when you are out of it, you realize how irrational you were!  So I was being super irrational and hubby was doing his best to talk me down.  He’s such a great hubby…most of the time.

So eventually, I ended up back at home, feeling embarrassed and dumb. 

Anyway, if I do have bipolar, I’m definitely in a depressive state, rather than the manic.  It sucks.  I’m exhausted.  So exhausted that I can’t even fill in on everything that’s gone on up to this point over the past month or two.  Bleck… Just too emotionally drained.

The babies are sick, and I am sick of it.  The hubby is empty on his patience meter, so he’s no help in the kid department right now.

More later……

2 Comments leave one →
  1. December 18, 2008 5:51 am

    I went through the same thing, except they never diagnosed me as postpartum depression — I was dx’ed as postpartum psychosis, which they’ve since changed to Bipolar I. I wrote about it, as much as I can remember. It helps to write it all down. Hope you can resolve that marriage stuff.

  2. Joanne permalink
    December 19, 2008 9:50 am

    Keep going. The fact that you have an insight into how and why your feeling the way you do means you have a head start. Hope everything works out well, it is an uphill struggle but you WILL get there

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