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Downer Day

May 12, 2010

I am struggling today.

It’s been going on for weeks now.

I’ve been dropping hints to hubby.  I am not sure if he is taking it seriously or not.

After all the damn stuff we’ve gone through with my mental illness, you’d think he’d have to.

I want to run away from my life.  A tell-tale symptom for me.

I have been wearing the same clothes for days.  To bed and during the day.

No showers.  Barely leaving the house, if only to indulge in Pepsi from the gas station.  The Pepsi I’ve been attempting to quit.

I am discouraged with my weight.  I feel like I’ve been failing at losing weight, despite some of the most drastic nutrition changes EVER.

My house is a wreck.  How sad that my kids have to live in this disaster.  Not just the outward appearance of disaster in our home, but if they only knew how shut down I was getting inside.

You know the absolute worst thing?  My son hasn’t been to school in seven days straight.  The first six were mostly due to sickness.  Today?  I couldn’t move my body to get out of bed, let alone get him ready and drive him to school.

How can I be that damn tired?

Why aren’t my meds working?

The weather here is like Seattle, but I don’t live in Seattle.  I never would live there because of the gloomy weather.  Why the hell is the weather here so shitty?  Just to torture people like me?  Probably.

I feel disconnected from hubby, too.  But I don’t currently have a desire to change it.  It’d be so much easier, and possibly more fun, to run away from my life.

Thanks for listening.

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