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Thanks to PPD, I Lost Friendships

June 21, 2010

I had my first baby in Jan 2003.

The pregnancy involved me getting really sick, being on home-IV’s for a week or two, quitting my job because of being too sick….

One of my BFF’s at the time was also pregnant.  We’ll call this one Dana.  It was her second baby.  She was also really sick.  Not quite as sick as me, but sick.

We didn’t follow up with each other as well as we would’ve liked during the pregnancies because we were so sick.  Our every-other weekend get-togethers with the husbands were gone.  The phone calls were gone. 

I looked forward to having my baby so I could get back on track with Dana.

I had another BFF that was pregnant with her first.  We’ll call this friend Sandy.  She was 2 weeks behind me.  We worked together.  Before I quit, of course.  We saw each other every day and meant a lot to each other.  We stayed in touch while I was pregnant, better than me and Dana.  We’d do lunch now and then towards the end of our pregnancies.  It was nice.

After I had the baby, I didn’t know what was wrong with me.  Seriously.

I tried to reconnect with Dana and Sandy both. 

Even though I call it “the fog” (meaning the whole first year of my son’s life, and my PPD Hell), I distinctly remember, in this exact moment, a time we were over at their house with our new baby.  He was sleeping in his carseat.  We were there to hang out.  I looked at my baby that evening, thinking he was a cute baby, but couldn’t be MY baby!  I don’t remember any other time with Dana and her hubby, though, but there may have been a few.

With Sandy, I remember hanging out with her one day.  Her and her baby, that was 2 weeks younger than mine.  We had both the baby seats in her SUV and we went for some take out at an old favorite joint from when we worked together.  We got the grub and went back to her place.

I remember thinking it was awesome.  A true girlfriend-type relationship.  We ate and watched a soap opera, giggling at the ridiculousness of it.  She started to breastfeed her baby and it caused me a twinge of jealousy…or anger.  Ya see, this PPD mom and her baby weren’t bf’ing professionals.  We didn’t get along with that whole plan at all.  And it was obviously still an issue for me at that time.

I’ve been through a lot since 2003, when my son was born.  In fact, I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder since then.  And I’ve had another baby since then (which was actually heavenly in every way…except the pregnancy).  I have never felt like myself since the day my son was born!  Never.

Despite it all, I have tried to reconnect with these two friends, among others.  They don’t understand AT ALL what I’ve gone through.  What I was going through.  None of them have experienced anything even close to my anguish.  Because of that, I withdrew.  I felt ashamed.  I still do.  I try not to, but I can’t help it.

Because I don’t know myself, I get freaked out about seeing old friends, such as these two.  I don’t know if I’ll be fun enough.  Or happy enough.  I mean, it really depends on the day.  And I don’t want to make an ass out of myself.  Or ruin things with them.

In reality, my fear of ruining things has caused me to ruin things with them!

Sandy actually saved my life one day when I was at my lowest point in 2003.  Or 2004.  I was supposed to be meeting her for cake at a restaurant.  I was driving there and decided I would drive my car into something.  I called a sister and left a msg saying goodbye and that I loved her.  I called my mother-in-law and made her promise that if something happened to me, that my son would have a relationship with my family.  Then I called her.  To cancel.  She knew I was crying.  I couldn’t even hide it.  I didn’t even try.  I don’t remember what all I told her of my plan, but she convinced me to come there and see her.  She made me promise.  She said we didn’t even have to talk.  Just sit.

She saved my life.  Literally.

I gave her a potted plant and a card telling her that, too.

Wow, I’m all over the place today.  Oopsie!

So today, as I’m perusing facebook for a few minutes, I see that Dana has posted a tiny hint that she may be pregnant. 

When she was pregnant with her third (this will be her fourth), I was the first to know!  It was accidental.  She was on the pill.  She had a scary delivery with her second, so her hubby didn’t want any more babies.  She was freaking out!  And she called me.  Little ‘ol me.  Despite our craziness of not connecting as closely after my baby, she called me.  I was ecstatic to be relied on.  And trusted.  And turned to for emotional support.

Well, her post on fb today hit hard.  I want to cry.  It is a hard smack in the face at just how far we are from the friendship we once had.

I want to beg her to make things the way they once were.  Then I realize how pathetic I sound, inside my head, and wanna cry about that.

I thought I was feeling better with my meds.  Not right now.  Definitely not.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. June 22, 2010 8:59 pm

    Big Hugs…
    I know EXACTLY how you feel on this one. I don’t think our friends truly understand how we feel but that doesn’t mean that they can’t be there for you and support you through this. In this PPD nightmare, I too have lost friends. I have found the ones that mean the most to me and I’m holding on to them for dear life.
    Don’t try to push them away. I tried doing that with my BF when she had her son because it was a trigger for me and she blasted me out on the dance floor at a wedding. I had a hard time explaining it to her…but we both missed each other.
    I’m sure that if these friends were true friends, you’d all be able to pick up like old times.
    Big Hugs

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