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Shoulda Posted Last Night, But…

September 16, 2010

…I didn’t.

I should have because I was in a great mood.  First time in a long, long while.

The post I typed up before the one last night was so incredibally depressing, I’ve left it as a draft.

I should expect to have some downers on the blog, considering it IS my blog about PPD-turned-bipolar-maybe, but I still find that I don’t like having so many posts that are downers! 

And I do have a seperate blog for my fam stuff w/pictures and all that jazz, but at this point, I prefer to keep my deep down, honest-to-goodness truths about my bad’ish days on this blog, where people don’t know me-know me.

I’ve learned that when I’m in a bad mental state, or bad mood, or whatever, that is when I’m most apt to turn to blogging.  Or reaching for help in other ways (which are rare, btw). 

When I’m happy and life is grand, obviously I don’t look for outlet.

Shame on me.

It is what it is, though.

I am feeling blah today.  Maybe it’s time for medication change or increase.  I called and scheduled an appt with an APRN that I saw in late 2008 (and I think I freaked her out so bad that she wanted to commit me to inpatient or never see me again, so I went to someone else).  I feel comfortable with her as a person to talk to, but I’m not sure how I feel about her as a prescribing person.  She couldn’t get it right the first time.  I feel like now that someone else has gotten me “under control”, maybe she can manage me…?

What I wasn’t counting on was for them to say she’s booked out til Oct 13. No. Fackin’. Way. I hope I make it til then.

So here is today, in no particular order.  Like, it might be messy’ish.  And random.

–>It is my 10th wedding anniversary with dh.  We met when we were 15, got married @ 20, so I’m not as old as your mind want to believe.  tisk*tisk  We are not celebrating until a week from tomorrow because I had surgery Aug 13 on my foot for shredded tendons and it’s been infection after infection.  I was barely able to start walking on Sunday.  Just barely.  Drove the car for the first time yesterday.  So, I’m honest-to-Gawd hoping that by then, I can wear some sexy shoes.   Dh had flowers delivered to me, which is awesome.  He doesn’t do it all the time, so it is really special and fun when he does.  And they’re perfect.  Exactly what I love, down to the colors and everything.  Other than that, dh won’t get home from school until the later parts of evening.  And it will be any other night. 

–>Because it’s our anniversary, and I’m one for occasions, and because dh sent me flowers, even though I’m JUST a stay-at-home-mom, I feel all that much worse for feeling so blah like I do right now.  I don’t want to feel this way EVER, but especially not on a special day.

–>Sometimes my kids will get in a bad mood.  Shocking, I know.  But really, they will and I feel like it affects me way more than it should.  Way, way more.  I feel like a “normal” mom would let it roll of their back, but I find it causes me to dislike my “job” as a mom that much more.

–>I’m so sick of being unable to do stuff physically.  I was injured badly in a car accident in Jan 09 and was bedridden for almost a year from that.  Getting fatter, of course.  Then, when I was finally cleared to start being active again, the foot/tendon thing happened.  Something that was supposed to be a month’ish process has been much longer for me and I’m not done yet.  And getting fatter. 

–>Dh and I both knew we wanted a parent to stay home with our children, whenever we had them.  What a dream it sounded like!  I remember the excitement of being a mom at all, and then being a perfect at-home one to top it off!  Sadly, nothing has worked out the way I pictured it would.  For the whole first year of #1’s life, it was a blur.  I was going through motions, but I wasn’t present.  I didn’t know about PPD then and that was a rather rude introduction.  My delivery wasn’t scary or crazy or anything like that, which was more of what one might hear about what causes PPD (back in that day).  So right off the bat, I didn’t want to stay home with the baby.  It terrified me.  I figured it was the PPD talking.  It mostly was.  I mean, the terrified part was.  But now I find that I just don’t like it.  I don’t like this job.  I don[‘t like cleaning non stop and catering to little people that can be so annoying and lame.  I don’t like it.  Yes, it is important and I don’t know that I could leave them with someone else at this point, but I still don’t like it.

Well, before getting this completed, the sun has begun to set here.  Dh has called to say he’s on his way home.  I spilled my guts to him.  Not in a hysterical way or anything.  I mean, I’m not even crying.  I’m just unplugged, if that makes sense.  I didn’t even want to tell him.  I wanted to fake it until at least tomorrow.  Way to show him I appreciate the flowers.  *sigh*

He’s as sick of this as I am, I can be sure of that.

I feel like just leaving.  Leaving this house, this town, this city, this state….

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