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Since Last Blog Post…

September 19, 2010

i woke up the following night with a migraine. full blown migraine. usually i have warning…it slowly works up to the peak, but not this night. if it was supposed to distract me from my feelings and despair, it worked. i woke dh at 6 am and told him what was going on.  that i needed him to skip class and help me get things under control.  he was nice. really, really nice. he heard me puking in the bathroom, which i rarely allow him to hear.  it was an accident. he had to work that day, no way around it. so i called my mom and asked her to rescue me. again.

she showed up within 15 mins of dh being gone. i went to bed, medicated a lot, to try and combat the migraine without the help of a hospital IV. she was awesome. she let me stay in bed all day, pretty much.

after getting the migraine to subside, like, the next morning, i woke up with a better mood. it was a shock. but i will take a good mood anytime, without question.

i felt pretty happy on saturday and sunday. til now.

i have been in pain from my recent foot surgery. actually, no longer recent. i am discouraged because it seems to be stagnant, not making progress at all. i am exhausted from being in pain or on narcotics all the time.

obviously any person would be overwhelmed and down at this point. i sure am.

dh had a breakdown this evening. he feels like he has too much on his plate.  what is new. i personally think he could use some emotional help; counseling or whatever, but he is opposed.  he’s been to counseling a few times in his life, and it didn’t go as well as he expected, so now he won’t go. whatev.  well, now he feels overwhelmed again.

some of it he does to himself, with negative self talk that snowballs. he is going to school full time, working full time (because his boss begged for a couple more weeks before going part time), and coaching ds’ jr football (which is a first). the biggest issue is probably the fact that i have been a “patient” for so long. dh feels that i’ve been sick or injured for the past few years, nonstop.

does he think i don’t hate every minute of it? does he think i don’t wish i were better and able to live normal life like i used to? i didn’t cause the auto accident. in fact, i purposely took the brunt of the impact to save my dh and kids in the back seat. does he think i chose to have my tendons shred? i was, and still am, terrified of surgery. and here i am stuck in this rut of not healing like i should; infection after infection in the incision site. numerous antibiotics.

on the way out the door to the store, he blurted, “it’s always about you”.

he obviously has some resentment.

i don’t know how to fix it. i don’t know how we’ll have fun on Fri when going away for a night to celebrate our anniversary.

i don’t know how i’ll sleep tonight. or any night until we work things out.

obviously my negative thoughts of suicide and such creep in at a time like this.

i am feeling forced to choose between

ridding myself of my dh’s life, so he doesn’t have to deal with my burdens any longer


not wanting to leave my children without a mom, knowing she was seemingly selfish in taking herself from them.

not a decision i feel i can make.

i may take a break from internet for awhile. so if i’m not online or responding, don’t automatically wig out…  

i am so close to tears, my heart is racing… what to do, what to do

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