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It’s Not a Choice

October 20, 2010

People that haven’t suffered with mental illness just don’t understand it.

I have a friend from junior high school.  We were bff’s for years and then drifted apart a bit, and then reconnected a bit.  Our lives have taken very different paths and I find myself feeling jealous over her happiness.  Nothing else, though.  Just her happiness.  I can’t decide if she’s just so naive that she doesn’ t know the mess she’s in, or what!  LoL

I’ve asked her before, “How are you so happy despite everything?”

“I choose to be, I guess.  I mean, it doesn’t do any good to be unhappy or stressed about stuff.”

Her reply was so underwhelming. 

I know me being unhappy isn’t accomplishing anything.  In fact, it’s doing the opposite!  I know that me stressing out about stuff I can’t control isn’t helping anything!  If I had a choice, I would be a very happy person.  A nonstop, happy person.

I talked to her via text yesterday.  Small chit chat stuff.  Then I asked, “How are you?”

I kid you not, she replied, “Great.  I am so great!  Life just couldn’t be any better!  Things are going my way finally!  I am so happy!”

I gagged a bit.  I couldn’t help it.

Part of me was mad.  Mad and jealous.  I want to be that happy that it is oozing from a text message. 

I asked for details.  Probably a part of me hoping that I could somehow implement her formula and get a result to my liking.

She sort of mentioned her new job, but mostly was just himmin’ n hawin’ about how she is just happy.  Just happy.

She doesn’t realize that it isn’t that easy for everyone.  If only.

Ya see, she has 3 kids with 2 different guys.  The youngest is 8 weeks old’ish.  The second guy played her like a fiddle (an icky, been around the block kind of fiddle), while playing others at the same time. He doesn’t keep a job very often, and when he does, she doesn’t see a penny.  She lives with her mom and her two youngest babes.  The oldest child gets shuffled between two homes.  She works part time, making minimal cash.  She doesn’t think she really has true friendships anywhere.

WTF am I missing?!?  I feel like I’ve done things more the way they should be done.  And I am unhappy. 

When I talk to her, I feel like I am almost screwed because I can’t just switch on the happy feel goods.


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