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Hating PPD. Hating FB.

November 29, 2010

I’ve mentioned some of the friendship feelings/drama I’ve felt about old friends and losing the connection after being succomend by PPD.

Well, my stomach hurts tonight.  Stupid fb.  But fb wouldn’t be so damn stupid to me right now if ppd hadn’t gotten hold of me years ago.

I was one of the most social people back in the day.  Not the obnoxious kind.  I enjoyed doing things, socializing, whatever.

PPD hit and I couldn’t hardly see straight, let alone venture out and nurture other relationships.

When PPD hit, I had been reconnected with a friend from highschool.  We had been reconnected for a couple years, actually.  It was great.  Sometimes double dates, sometimes just hanging out at their place, where they could put their adorable daughter to bed when needed.

We both got pregnant at the same time; her with her second and me with my first.  We both got sick. 

I remember being at their house when ds was an infant.  He was sitting in his car seat carrier and I was sitting on the couch.  I was staring at him, deep in the fog of hell.  He was sleeping.  I looked at him with no attachment whatsoever.  Resentment.  Resentful that he had changed who I was inside.  I was so lost for the first time ever, and it felt like a deep dark secret of failure.

That is the last time I remember hanging out with them.  In a comfortable, friendly way.

When ds was a toddler, I still hadn’t grasped things well.  I was insecure of parenting him in front of others.  He had so many little things about him that had to be just so and everyone else’s toddlers seemed too easy in comparison.  Certainly they’d never understand.  We were hanging out at their home, the kids running around.  They now had 2 and I had the one.  My one was so shy.  Terrifyingly shy.  Very opposite of what I had known.  I certainly didn’t know how to deal.  So I felt stupid.  Like I was failing because my child didn’t enjoy playing with the other kids without me there.

That was the last time we hung out.

She joined fb about 6 months ago.  She had quit being social after highschool, which was surprising, but whatever.  I msg’d her.  Unfortunately I had vomit of the mouth.  Spewing how I missed her and wanted to go back to the way things were before I fell apart.  I mean, I divulged way too  much information, way too fast.  I’ve regretted it.

She just had her fourth baby.  Her first boy.  Back in the day, we’d tease them, especially the hubby about having all girls.  It seriously seems like yesterday!! 

Is that because my fog makes me feel as though my life didn’t exist for that whole period in time?  I wish it didn’t, in some ways.  But it did.  And now I want a free pass from the world to somehow rejoin everyone. 

Anyway, everyone msg’ing on fb congrats for their new baby.  A couple saying that he is adorable.  It somehow stung my heart, implying that maybe they’ve gotten to see him already?

I reached out by text to her the day she had him.  (Scheduled c section)  She texted back the next day and said, “You need to come see him on Monday or Tues when we get home!”  I haven’t heard back.  I’m sad that others may have taken the nice, comfy place I had carved out for myself.

Why does PPD do this to people?  It robbed me of feeling comfy in these friendships.  It made me feel as though I should be ashamed.  Too ashamed to reach out for help.  Not that reaching would’ve helped much, considering I didn’t know anyone else at the time that dealt with PPD.  It made me close off from the world, to shrivel up in a corner alone.  It made me push even my husband away.  I pushed my friends and family all away.  I retreated.  And I rotted there for way too long.

Now I’m out, or so it seems, and its like I’ve been in a coma or something.  People have moved on happily, grown, improved.  I missed it.  Missed them growing and reamining stagnant.  It’s like I died and no one noticed.  And it was all a misunderstanding, with me unable to shout, “I’m here!  I’ve been here!  Come back!  Rewind the clock!”

My stomach is sick.  I get so worked up and jealous over the friendships I once had.  The ones I would’ve died for.  I thought they would’ve died for me, too, but when I pushed them away, I feel like they didn’t fight it.  They just went away.

I had PPD.  And tonight, I’m hating fb.

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