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Starting to Feel Icky

January 3, 2011

What’s starting to feel icky?  Um, this feeling that there is now an official blog clique of PPD moms on the internet.  Seriously.

And it has affected me to the point that I haven’t blogged since. . . whenever I last blogged. haha  Too tired to look it up right now.

It went from me (and many others out there) not being able to find ANY blogs on the subject.  Not a single one.

Now there are more than a handful.  Which is a good thing for moms suffering and feeling alone.  Even though there are these PPD blogs, the moms often forget that they started to talk about the mental illness, so it can leave the newly suffering moms to feel even worse stumbling upon them.  A few keep it real, and those are the ones that are diamonds. 

Anyway, so there are lots of these blogs now.  And they all seem to act like jr high girls at one moment or another.  In the way that they want to all be bff’s, genuine or not, and they want to have pet names for each other so everyone else can feel excluded, and they all have one teacher that they are trying so hard to kiss up to so she will mention them in one of her class lectures. . . *sigh*

It makes me think about taking a break.

I know people don’t read this anyway.  At least not much.  And I think there could be a few reasons for it, other than if I just suck.  These may be:  I haven’t been comfortable yet exposing my family in pictures on the web.  It feels so unsafe.  Not only that, but my kids don’t have a choice in the matter right now, so I’d be making it for them.  I’m not sure about all of it.  Also, if people that know me irl were to stumble upon my blog, they’d confirm it was me by seeing those aforementioned pictures.  And then they’d find that I have talked smack on my blog about them.

Which is all fine and dandy, but I am just so damn tired right now.  Emotionally and physically.  This week for some reason, I have been having more insomnia issues.  I think it’s partially because my house is a wreck.  A complete chaotic mess.  Like, so messy that my oldest dog, who has short legs and is uber chubby right now, can’t even find a small path for her to the potty door.  For reals.  So maybe I’m stressing over that, the mess and how my body can’t keep up with everything I want to get done.  With the back pain and all.  Or maybe I can’t sleep because I wanna stay up and do what I wanna do, without anyone interrupting me or asking me every two seconds to get them something.

Regardless, last night was night 3 of no sleep.  The first two were my own insomnia issue.  Last night was my lil angel princess girl.  She didn’t want to sleep without me.  I didn’t want to sleep in her room.  She wouldn’t lay down with hubs.  Nothing would work.  Finally, I let her watch a short cartoon while we cuddled, and then I put hubs into bed with my boy and took princess with me to my bed.

Me sleeping with any child of mine equals no sound sleeping.  It’s like my mom response is on high.

I know that lack of sleep can be a bad thing for me when it comes to my emotional health and stability. 

I will be mentioning it to my APRN tonight when I meet for my second appt with her.  We will also discuss medications; what I’m on and how I feel they are doing for me.  We will discuss other stuff, too.  Maybe even how my hubs’ family is really bothering me deeply more and more each day I live.  haha  That’s still a whole other issue. . .

So I dunno if I wanna hang on the outskirts of the clique anymore.  It’s now more understanding to me why people felt so bad when it happened to them in their life at some point.  Thank gawd this is my first time.  haha  I was a virgin to being shunned just far enough to see the fun others are having, without being able to join in.  gag

So I may take a break from blogging.  Not sure yet.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. January 3, 2011 12:28 pm

    Oh my hell. I just skimmed over this post and I must really be exhausted. I don’t know how much sense, if any, I am making here. But at least I got some stuff off my chest! haha

    I am medicated for severe back pain right now, bordering on a migraine addition, and I have had 2 hours of sleep. Blah


  2. January 9, 2011 8:39 am

    Found your blog through your post on mine. I don’t know anything about this clique, since I’ve only been blogging about PPD for a week 🙂 But I’m sorry you feel that way. I think you have to decide if you’re getting something out of this for you and not worry about anyone else. But I know that’s easier said than done.

    • January 9, 2011 11:54 am

      Hi! Thanks for visiting. I was definitely having a bad moment when I posted that last thing. 😉 I’m feeling much better now.

      Thanks for stopping by! I’m your new #1 fan since I found you, so I hope you get to likin’ me! 😉

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