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So Exhausted. For Reals.

January 12, 2011

I’ve been working on a post about all my latest medication for hormones and stuff, but I had to take a break because my mind felt like mush after awhile.

And I need to get something off my chest.  And if I text/call hubs about it, whether he outwardly says it or not, it’s going to make him nervous.

“Uh oh.  Valerie is going downward again.  I’m going to have to pick up the slack.  I don’t know if I can do this again.  What do I do?  Why us?  Oh no.  I hope she isn’t going downward again.. . ”  And on and on.

Ya see, whenever I am open about my feelings, my hubs can’t help but to go back “there”.  It’s like PTSD, I think.  Something triggers, such as an emotion or physical thing I’m having, and it triggers hubs to remember the worst of times.  In the deepest of the fog.  And right off the bat, he starts to panic.  Inside.  Like I said, he usually doesn’t verbalize it.  Probably for fear of making me worse. 

I don’t blame him.   I was watching Sesame Street this morning with my youngest, who is newly 3, and the clip comes on of Destiny’s Child singing Walk with some puppets. Have you seen it?  I have.  Back in the day when in the foggy hell of PPD.  My son was the hugest fan of Sesame Street.  We’d watch songs from that show a lot.  At the time, it was nice to have something in the house reminding me to fake happy for the babe.  Now, though, it triggers me back to that place.  Gives me chills up and down my body.  That’s how disturbing it is.

So I don’t blame hubs.  It’s not something you can help.  It’s probably a good thing that he’s so aware of what I say now; of my symptoms and how I’m feeling.  Sometimes it’s hard for me to realize that because of our past, things I say can have such a reaction from someone, ya know?

So, I’m not doing terrible or anything.  I mean, I’m definitely in a “blah” phase.  I can’t shake it.  But it isn’t spiralling down or anything.  It’s that physically, I am exhausted.  24/7.  Not just the tired where you’re thinking (or saying), “Man, I am so tired.  If I lay down, I bet I could fall right to sleep for a good, nice nap.”  It’s more than that.  Worse. 

It’s the tired where you are sitting up, trying to type on the laptop, and your body wants to fall asleep like an old geezer in church.  Just head dropping to sleep, then jerking awake again like it’s an alarm or something.

Yesterday, hubs got home from school around 3:40 or so.  I said hi for a few, updated him on the kids, and went to bed.  I know I was in bed by 4:17 because I was setting my alarm for 5:23.  Just about an hour of sleep should suffice.  But it didn’t.

I woke up to hubs rubbing my arm, telling me he needed to go grab something for dinner, but he couldn’t convince the opinionated toddler to go with him.  So I needed to get up and be responsible while he was gone.  Bummer.  But I alarm was sounding, and it had been going for awhile.  I didn’t hear a thing.  At all.  I didn’t hit snooze or anything.  I just slept through it.  Oops

I got up and felt exhausted the rest of the night.

I went to sleep last night around 11 or so.  That’s early for this night owl!  But I was sooo tired.  And I slept through my alarm this morning, when it was time to get my son up for bed.  He comes walking into my room about 9 or 9:30 with the toddler girl saying, “Mom, am I going to school?  It’s after 9 o’clock.”  I mumbled back that I was taking him late and that I am sorry.  I was sorry.  But still too exhausted to get my body to respond to my brain about getting up from the bed.

I eventually did.  And I got my son to school before lunch.  I feel terrible that he is living with one of “those” moms.  Between my usual disabilities from my auto accident in 2009, he also has to deal with me now being a sleeper?

So I am sitting here, typing this, in hopes of feeling better.  It is 11:20 or so, where I’m at, and all I can think is counting down the minutes til hubs gets home so I can go to bed.  I want to curl up on the couch and hope that toddler will let me rest.  She won’t.  She is not into that idea at all.  And it’s probably just as well because what if I slept too long?

I’m sooo tired.  I wonder wtf is going on. . .

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