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Hardcore Withdrawals

May 13, 2011

So I was weaning off the meds.  It was time.  They weren’t working anyway, so why bother with them?

By yesterday, I was in the full puddle of withdrawals.  I was a wreck.  I was so anxious inside that it felt like constant motion in my body, yet it wouldn’t translate to my outer actions.  Does that even make sense?

I felt like the days when I had my first newborn home from the hospital.  I was so restless and anxious on the inside, yet rundown and without ANY energy on the outside.  It’s like being trapped in your own skin.  The worst feeling.  Ever.

I was nauseated.  I had a headache.  No appetite.  Upset stomach.  Awful.

My mind and thoughts were racing too fast for me to keep up.  I couldn’t think straight because thoughts were bouncing around.  It was complete chaos in my head, no matter how still the world around me.

Hubs was trying to finish my veggie garden and I was suddenly needing to be by his side non-freaking-stop.  (i have wanted said garden for years, but never made it a point to make it happen. . . this was the year. & i started it when I actually felt decent.)  Regardless of how needy I appeared, how very dumb it felt, I had to do it.  I was too anxious to not do it.

When he had to take his truck back to the garden center for another truck load of beautiful dirt, my heart would race.  I would see it as my children being left home alone, because I was of no use.  I wanted to cry and beg him to take us with him, but I knew how irrational it was, so I kept it inside.

By dinner time, I decided I couldn’t go on like that.  I couldn’t handle one more anxious second.  My body couldn’t handle it and my mind certainly couldn’t, either.

We got home & I went straight to the medicine cabinet.  I chose 1 of the 2 meds I had just weaned off of and took a teeny, tiny dose.  Time to start building that up in my system again.  And stat.

Message received loud and clear.  I need to be on a medication.  This is not a joke.  It isn’t a choice.  It isn’t just a figment of my imagination.  It is my reality. 

By bedtime, I was smiling and laughing again.  I wasn’t all the way back yet, but I was going in the right direction and that felt so incredible. 

I was even able to initiate intimacy with the hubs, who has been the victim of a dry spell, thanks to my out-of-control emotions and feelings.  I’m sure he is thanking the sex gods today for sure.  Poor guy.  What a trooper, on so many levels.

So today, I am on my way in the right direction again.

Apparently, I needed a slap upside the head.  But I’ve had the slap, so we’re good.  My physical self is still “off” today.  Slight nausea among other things.  But we’re going the right way. . .


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