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Just Unloadin’

September 14, 2011

Here’s the sitch; I know people have been done reading this blog for a looong time.  That’s why I haven’t really been

posting to it.  I mean really; it can be tiring to add pouring my heart out to my list of things to do.

I mean, not showering for many, many days is a lot of work.

Add to it that I’m a lazy ass because the chronic pain is kicking my ass. Tiring.

Then there’s the not-getting-along-with-the -hubs thing, which is tiring.

Which is where I’ll pause.  I’m here to vent and unload about my hubs and I not getting along these days.

It might be a recipe for disaster with ingredients like. . .

— I’m disabled.  I’m 31 and disabled.  I am in pain all the time.  When I’m on narcotics, the edge is taken off,

but the chronic pain is never gone. The chronic pain decided to invite Chronic Fatigue Syndrome to jump on board,

so now I have zero energy on top of everything else.  How sad that before the car accident, I was a healthy, young,

happy (most of the time), PPD-survivor woman!  Now. . . well, yeah.

— Before the aforementioned car accident, the hubs and I made a plan for him to finish his teaching

degree and for me to finish my nursing degree.  In the plan, when it came to the end of hub’s education,

he wouldn’t be able to work.  You see, teachers have to student-teach during the daytime, when there are

appropriate aged students to practice on.  The plan was fine, though.  I’d be working, we’d have school

loans, maybe some financial aid thrown in.  Golden.  I wanted hubs to be happy, regardless of his paycheck.  Well, the time is now.

Well, the time was supposed to be January.  When he’d start full-time student teaching for his last semester of his degree.

His current job was working with his schedule til then.  He’s been with the company for so long.  He was such a good worker.

The company was fine with working with his school schedule until he couldn’t possibly fit the two together anymore.

Which would’ve been January 2012.  Well surprise!  His work flipped its lid all of a sudden.

They told him the second-to-last week of Aug that his last day would be Aug 31.

Not cool.  But we had no choice.  We had to accept it and move on.

So now hubs is unemployed.  And I am unable to work, due to my chronic pain.  I have been hoping since

the day of the auto accident that I would be healed “tomorrow”.  Well, that was in Jan 2009.  I’m still bad off.

We have no paycheck coming in.  No health insurance.  My pain pills alone are going to bust us super fast.

We’re working to get help from the state or government, but nobody moves at a normal or quick pace.

— Have I mentioned yet that I’m disabled?  Yeah.  And hubs has been trying to take my share of

the housework and childcare and everything else.  Ever since the accident.  I think its finally gotten to him.  Like, overtaken him and

caused him to completely boil over from all the weight on his shoulders.

So all of those things don’t make for a pleasant environment, right?  Well, it doesn’t.

Last week, I was hit with a migraine.  Too common for me, really.  By Monday night, I was so very sick from it.

Vomiting, blurred vision, the whole nine yards.

Normally in the circumstance, I would’ve gone to the ER for an IV of morphine and Zofran to kick

the migraine to hell fast.  Then I would heal and get past the migraine and move on.

Because we have no insurance right now, I can’t just go to the ER for shits and giggles.

Too pricey.  So I sat all night long, sicker than sick, getting pissed off at my husband.

“How could he leave us without insurance?!”

“What kind of provider does this to his family?”

“Me and the kids deserve better than this!” 

The following morning, I was still pissed off.  I hadn’t gotten any sleep, which makes me a bitch.  And I’d

been talking myself into a frenzy all night about the hubs.  So I went off on him.

In a quiet, don’t involve the kid kind of way.

He flipped the hell out. He felt immediately attacked and defensive.

He started spewing some of the most hurtful stuff he’s ever said to me.  Ever.

(We are highschool sweethearts, coming up on our 11th wedding anniversary, btw)

He went on about how he’s done everything all our marriage, while I’ve done nothing.

I DID have PPD more than once, so I guess that deserves a negative score on my report card.

But dammit, how hurtful can you be to someone you love?

I’m not the best cook or the best housewife.  In fact, I suck at that stuff.  I hate spending every day, all day

cleaning up after other people.  I hate the mundane life of being a homemaker.  It’s never been for me,

yet we had decided long ago that we wanted me to be home with the kids while they were young.

Whatever.  If it’s been such shit all these years, why are we even doing this still?

Anyway, after we cooled off, we worked it out.  Mostly.  I’ve felt on edge ever since then.

My moods haven’t felt real stable and that just put me on high alert.

I mentioned feeling unsettled and unstable with our relationship.  It is really hard for me to

get past the hurtful things that he said to me.  It probably hurts so much because it’s the

thoughts I’ve had of myself all this time.  And he confirmed it all.

I’m really rambling a lot more than I mean to.

I’m stuck in my head right now, with no way out.  I feel alone and it is dark.

I feel like I could walk right out the door and never come back.

I feel like I should write my babies some letters, to explain where I’ve gone and why I won’t

be back.

See, the tip of the iceburg was earlier tonight.

My sister is staying with us, which is annoying as hell, but necessary.

Long story.  Longer than this, if you can believe it.

Hubs feels judged by her already, and then I went and f*cked him over even more, apparently.

He was getting the kids into a bath and shower. I teased, “What’s the occasion?  It hasn’t been three weeks

since their last one yet!”  haha….or not

He got way pissed. It was a look.  Nothing more. Not in front of my sister.

I went to find him in the master bath, giving princess a bath.  He was livid.  Again.  Like last week.

WTF?  I was joking.

“It wasn’t funny.”

“What were you thinking?”

“How could you do that to me in front of her?”

“She already thinks I don’t bathe the kids enough! Now she’ll really think it!”

I kept telling him I was joking.  That she didn’t even care what I was saying.

I was spinning my wheels, trying to fix everything as fast and as quietly as possible.

It wasn’t happening.

It ended with

“You can bathe them from now on.  I’m done. If I don’t do well enough, then forget it.”

I walked out and returned to the family room with my sister.

The hubs and I said maybe 3 words to each other the rest of the night.

What I wanted to say was

“Are you f*cking kidding me?!”

“Oh good.  Put it back on your disabled wife! You know her disability is optional, so. . . “

“Get the stick out of your ass and quit being so damn sensitive!”

“Since I can’t do anything right in your mind, now or ever in this marriage, then I’m out.  Peace out.  Love the babies and give them

the life that I can’t give them.  Or you.”

But I didn’t say any of it.

I just stewed all evening until he went to bed.  & my kids and sister went to bed.

I’ve thought about leaving tonight and never coming back.

I’ve thought about waiting until after I take my oldest to school in the morning.

But it’d be the worst if I did anything permanent while he was at school.  He already hates school and doesn’t want to go.

Can you imagine if he had to live the rest of his life, remembering that he didn’t want to leave me and go to school, and

he did it anyway, only to never see his mom again?

It’s too much.

That would be selfish of me.  & what I’m trying to do is to give them better.  Open up my space for someone more

qualified and able, in all areas.

Someone that doesn’t have mental health issues, with new physical ones to add to it.

I just can’t decide what to do. . .

Thanks for listening, my quiet laptop.

Now I’m even more emotionally exhausted.

Til next time. . .

 

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One Comment leave one →
  1. September 16, 2011 4:03 pm

    I am so sorry friend. You know that I am just an email…FB message away. I know. Being in chronic pain is awful. People don’t realize how much it impacts everyday life.
    Perhaps you are both under such extreme stress that every little thing gets blown out of proportion. It is so much easier to take out the aggression on each other. Maybe you both should sit down and talk about what is really bothering you. Keep those lines of communication open.
    Hugs friend. Xoxo

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