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I Tried

May 31, 2012

I tried.

I took the keys and ran for my car.

I pushed the button to open the garage door.

Tears were streaming down my face.

He followed me. How dare he.

He stopped the garage door from going up.

In a battle of button-pushing, he got the door back down. All the way closed.

Feeling defeat and upset that he is standing in my way, I lay my head on the steering well.

I’m tired of hurting all the time. Emotionally & physically.

I’m tired and offended by my own weakness and that I need to rely on him so much.

The fuel I feel burning, a charge so rare, is propelling me to go. To where? Nobody knows.

That could have been decided once I was driving away.

Planning to leave it all.

He deserves more. More than me.

My kids deserve more. More than me.

I left on foot, since the car option fell flat.

He followed me.

He tries to hug me and I battle with myself over melting into his arms and feeling peace and love, to pushing him away, seeing him as an enemy at the moment.

Enemy?
He says he doesn’t see me as a burden, but his wife. He says he loves me. He says all the right things most of the time. But I know what he feels. I know it’s hard for him.

I’m so physically limited right now that he bears the weight of everything.

We go back inside. The kids had seen me crying, despite me efforts to hide it. If only they’d been in bed like on any other night.

He says I’m not thinking clearly. That’s just it–it feels clear. Clearer than its been in a long time.

I sent him to put the kids to bed. He typically falls asleep before they do and I get my whole bed to myself. I hope he falls asleep like usual.

He’s hesitant to go. I think he took a pair of keys w/him. How sweet. Blah.

Cried off all my makeup.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. June 1, 2012 7:38 am

    you know that i am always here for you if you ever feel like that.
    You are a beautiful soul and deserve to be well. Even if you don’t believe it, your family and your friends love you so much.
    I promise you that.
    I hate that you’re hurting right now.

  2. June 20, 2012 3:02 pm

    Just sending you my love and echoing what Kim said. You do deserve to be well and free from this pain.

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