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Worn Out

August 30, 2012

I’ve been worn out.

Between the chronic pain & mental health issues, this year has been my toughest in a lot of ways.

I go 4-5 days between showers. I only wear makeup if I need to. My definition of need is involving meeting e/one of my kids’ teachers, going on a date-night (which hasn’t happened for a long time), etc.

I’ve gained a ton of weight since the auto accident and can’t believe how much it’s affected my self esteem. I’ve been doing things to try a reclaim some sort of health from my insides, out. I’ve been cleansing my body of certain pain meds that cause/retain weight gain and eating ‘cleaner’. Since early July, I’ve lost 12 lbs, so it’s finally moving in the right direction.

My marriage is really disconnected right now, probably a combo of stress in our life at the moment, both of us having poor self esteem, and dh experiencing his own depression. He won’t do anything about it, apparently. Whatev.

I used to be attractive, which meant thin & healthy, trendy, makeup as part of my routine, smiling a lot.

Now I’m just worn out.

Anxiety

August 29, 2012

Anxiety is lame.

And unpredictable.

This week has seen many changes; big kid is back in school & dh is sort of back to work after being on hiatus to finish a Bachelor Degree.

Change is hard, but harder w/anxiety.

So I’m on edge. So damn anxious, even though the old me wouldn’t even bat an eye.

Nowhere to Turn

June 21, 2012

I don’t have health insurance right now. We’ve always relied on the hub’s job for that. Then he quit working the end of Aug 2011, to finish his degree, and just graduated. No job offers yet.
Because of this, we’re paying cash for my meds.
I obviously can’t afford inpatient right now.
I feel like I’d want to.
Major depressive episode.
Too many words to articulate much.
Just reaching out, in a way.
Blah

I Tried

May 31, 2012

I tried.

I took the keys and ran for my car.

I pushed the button to open the garage door.

Tears were streaming down my face.

He followed me. How dare he.

He stopped the garage door from going up.

In a battle of button-pushing, he got the door back down. All the way closed.

Feeling defeat and upset that he is standing in my way, I lay my head on the steering well.

I’m tired of hurting all the time. Emotionally & physically.

I’m tired and offended by my own weakness and that I need to rely on him so much.

The fuel I feel burning, a charge so rare, is propelling me to go. To where? Nobody knows.

That could have been decided once I was driving away.

Planning to leave it all.

He deserves more. More than me.

My kids deserve more. More than me.

I left on foot, since the car option fell flat.

He followed me.

He tries to hug me and I battle with myself over melting into his arms and feeling peace and love, to pushing him away, seeing him as an enemy at the moment.

Enemy?
He says he doesn’t see me as a burden, but his wife. He says he loves me. He says all the right things most of the time. But I know what he feels. I know it’s hard for him.

I’m so physically limited right now that he bears the weight of everything.

We go back inside. The kids had seen me crying, despite me efforts to hide it. If only they’d been in bed like on any other night.

He says I’m not thinking clearly. That’s just it–it feels clear. Clearer than its been in a long time.

I sent him to put the kids to bed. He typically falls asleep before they do and I get my whole bed to myself. I hope he falls asleep like usual.

He’s hesitant to go. I think he took a pair of keys w/him. How sweet. Blah.

Cried off all my makeup.

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Swap Me Out

May 20, 2012

Sometimes I really think, and almost wish, that I could step out of my spot in life and put someone else in. Someone more qualified than me in every way.
Someone that could offer my family the best. The best that I feel they deserve. The best that I feel so far from being able to give.

Not Continued Yet…Sorry!

March 22, 2012

I haven’t had the emotional energy yet to do my “continued” saga from my last post. I will, though. I will.

I had to go off-topic for a post today because people are asleep so I can’t scream in pain.

Yep. Owwwww!

At about this time of year, I like to start getting outside at least every 24 hrs for a walk. It’s about 1 mile in length and I can obviously vary the intensity, speed, etc. (this is post-auto accident, since I haven’t seen the inside of my gym with my injury/chronic pain/fibromyalgia, this is as close to a workout as I can get)

It’s nice for several reasons. Stuff like it Gets me outta the house, getting fresh air & its something that my kids can do with me. Bonus.

So each year, I’ll move slower at first. The cobwebs are well settled within all my muscles & ligaments. Expected.

What’s not expected is me having to stop and sit on some random person’s decoration rock thing because my back starts seizing up so bad. Yep.

I’m not supposed to need stupid breaks on this measly 1 mile walk. Nope. This is definitely an all-time low.

I was so mad. I still am, actually. I’m supposed to be getting better, not worse.

So as I’m writhing in agony on the couch after the walk, fighting back tears, the hubs chimes in with, “Maybe you should start out short distances and work your way up…you can’t do this to your body…I’m worried for how you’ll feel tomorrow…”

I’m concerned that it won’t get better enough for me to even increase with time, though.

This is a new type of pain for the past 3 months or so; some addtl yuck added onto the mix. It’s not the normal muscles I’ve been dealing with since my injury & it’s not reacting in any of the same ways. Not cool.

So here I sit, about 2-3 hrs since returning from my death walk, and I’m hurting. My entire back is pissed off, my legs are aching, and my stomach is upset.

Loading up on usual meds with the addition of one of my “big guns”; a little tiny pill that relaxes muscles.

Praying that the pain will subside enough for some shut-eye…

Guess The Past 6 Months Have Been Less Than Blog-worthy

March 12, 2012

Let’s have a quick rundown…

2003–I delivered my first child and got severe PPA immediately. In the following days, PPD jumped in the mix.

2005-2006–Suffered multiple miscarriages, with the most difficult (emotionally & physically) at 13 weeks gestation.

2007–I delivered my second child and was aggressive with mental health treatment to prevent any postpartum mental health issues. Did well until 8 months postpartum.

2007-2008–Fought depression, trying medication after medication, hoping to find something to help. Finally found a pretty good combo. A few mental health care providers suggested a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Primary care physician disagreed. Still does.

2009–Just as things were looking up, my family and I were hit hard in a car accident. My family (kids and husband) were all in the backseat. I was the only one injured. And it was worse than I even realized at the time.

Today–I have gained 55 ugly lbs since the accident. A mix of medications, trial procedures, and intermittent bedrest, I am now at my heaviest weight ever. My once-nicely toned & thin body is now encapsulated by tons of fat.
I am enduring pain 24/7, it’s just the level of pain that varies minute-to-minute.
I am unable to do soooo many things. My body can’t keep up with me. It affects my relationship with everyone, especially my husband.
How does a spouse handle this situation? He goes from having a very active, capable partner to being a sole parent (physically) to our two kids and a caregiver of an adult. He takes on wayyy more than his share.
Not only does it place a wedge between us, but the guilt I carry every second of my life is nearing unbearable.
I would love to wake up tomorrow & be physically able to do more. But it never happens that way.

To be continued…