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You Can Hope In 1 Hand…

October 18, 2012

….but it’ll be just as empty as the medication bottle you forgot to refill before running out.

[[do as I say, not as I do]]

So I forgot to pickup my antidepressant med refill today. Oopsie!

It’s not safe or smart to miss a scheduled dose. I know it & you know it. But sometimes it happens.

I called in my refill last night. I only had 1/4 my normal dose left, which I took.

Tonight I’m missing the entire dose.

I could possibly be experiencing horrible withdrawal symptoms by morning, but I’m crossing my fingers that it doesn’t play out that way.

By mid-day tomorrow, I will have my pills in hand.

Thinking positive until then…

*original saying is you can hope in one hand, sh#t in the other, and see which fills up first…just in case you were wondering*

Glad That’s Over

October 16, 2012

I had a court hearing this morning. It was for disability. Eek!

I was an anxious wreck just 24 hours ago. Worrying myself about every little thing.

My attorney prepared me well.

The judge was nice. And attractive. Bonus! LoL

He told me he hopes to have a decision soon. ‘Soon’ being relative. Could be a month or two. Could be longer.

I’ve waited over a year for this meeting w/a judge. I’ve fretted over it.

I’m so glad it’s over.

Now it’s more waiting. Thinking positive….

Back To Routine; Hello Anxiety

September 26, 2012

Dh has been off work & school for the past four months. At times, I’ll admit that we got a little tired of the lack of routine. But overall, it was great.

Now, in a matter of weeks, he’s teaching full time hours at a local high school (that he loves) and, as of today, becoming an assistant coach for their Varsity basketball team.

We’ve gone from seeing dh sooo much to seeing him soooo little.

He was home for 2 hrs today between the school day of teaching and basketball practice at night.

I’m trying to be the good wife; the woman I was before the mood issues & chronic pain hit. I’m trying to be supportive & act like I can handle everything w/out his help. {did I mention I can be quite stubborn sometimes?}

Inside, my anxiety is trying to take over. It’s trying to keep me up all night & hold me to the edge of tears. But I don’t wanna tell anyone. I mean, I don’t wanna have anything to tell.

Normal women handle life just fine. Some even have a smile on their face all. the. time. bitches

I don’t know how this new phase of life will pan out, but for now, I’m dedicated to holding on tight.

Fog Is Back…Or Still Here

September 14, 2012

Lame.

I was wrong. Maybe. I mean, I’m definitely in the fog still. Yuck.

Maybe that’s why some professionals think I’m bipolar; because it’s such a drastic shift in emotions.

I hate this.

My chronic pain / fibromyalgia is so bad lately. I spend a ton of time in bed, especially since husband is home more than usual.

It starts to feel pointless to live. I mean, I’m not suicidal right now. Just feeling hopeless.

I mean, what’s the point if I’m just gonna be in bed all the time?

Phase Lifting

September 10, 2012

I feel tonight like a fog has lifted.

As if a light depressive film
was on me and I didn’t completely know it til now.

It feels much lighter.

Maybe it’s because husband is scheduled to be home in the morning to help get the kids ready. Most times, I end up doing it all anyway, but just knowing he’s here for backup is calming.

Sometimes I can’t tell between life being shitty at the moment or if it’s a depressive phase. Like, really. I always assume its life. I dunno why for sure.

Like, duh.

September 9, 2012

My husband felt really terrible for saying what he said. He regrets it. A lot. So, we’ve made up. And just for the record, I’m not a pushover, whether I have ‘mental health illness’. He was put thru the ringer, rest assured.

Now, onto something else…

I am super anxious right now.

Everyone else in the house is sleeping & I’m catching up on my TiVo’d shows.

I’m internally freaking out.

I don’t trust my mind/body to get my 2 kids to school tomorrow. And I’m fuh-reaking out about it.

Like, duh.

Who does that?

Between my chronic pain and (possible) bipolar disorder, I just can’t trust that all will go well.

Then the mommy guilt will snowball and I’ll feel worse & worse.

It’s like, my whole life, I’ve wanted to be a mom. No doubt. And now I am one & can’t seem to be a good mom to them!

So frustrating.

I Had To Push It

September 4, 2012

I never had body image issues until after the auto accident.

I’ve since learned that I based my self worth on my looks, rather than what’s on the inside.

How sad. And embarrassing.

My hormones are all outta whack, because of the weight gain, most likely. And that dominoes into many other physical/appearance issues.

But love is supposed to be unconditional, right?

At what point does it feel like you don’t love me wholeheartedly and unconditionally?

Do you love me in that way even if you’ve lost attraction to me? Does physical love & intimacy go hand-in-hand?

My heart aches since our very honest & open conversation.

I pushed you & pushed you, wanting you to admit your feelings; the feelings I thought I already knew.

But it doesn’t hurt any less.